When We Don't Deserve the Blessings...

The other day, our dear, sweet 3 year old daughter, who hardly ever puts up a fuss, threw an extraordinary temper tantrum when we told her "no" to her favorite restaurant, McDonald's.

Now, you can imagine that for a little girl who absolutely loves chicken nuggets and a surprise toy, this was like the world ending to her. We gently told her that Mommy and Daddy wanted to eat somewhere else this time, but to no avail. She sobbed relentlessly, and being hungry did not help matters. After some much-needed discipline she quieted down and things were soon back to normal.  We were exhausted from the experience, but knew that this was one experience we would not soon forget (neither would she, I venture to say).

A few days later, I received a special blessing. Not only did it confirm to me (and my sweet husband) that the Lord was still definitely looking out for us, but it also reminded me of my own stubbornness to God Himself.

That blessing was to reunite with two little girls that we had lived next door to over a year ago.  They came from a broken home, reared only by a single mother who didn't seem to be around much.  And when she wasn't, they were either left home alone or under the care of a shady boyfriend.  They would constantly want to stay at our house, just to hang out, or see what they could get into. They were clearly starving for attention and love. They clung to me in an embrace, and loved giggling with Stephen or playing with our daughter. Yes, sometimes, they got on our nerves, but soon - almost suddenly - they were gone. They had moved out of state. We missed them a lot, dreaming of somehow meeting them again one day, but what are the odds of that ever happening?  We felt bad for not sharing the gospel, but now there was no way we could even try to find them.  All we could do was pray for them whenever we thought of them.

Fast forward about 13 months. I was picking up G from Sunday School class. It would be our last at this particular church, before we moved five hours away.  I recognized one of the girls among the children. The same sweet, toothless smile and bouncing hair pretties in her black hair. She remembered me right away, and we hugged.  Throughout the services, she and her sister would see me and cling to me. I was still in such shock! But my heart was overflowing inside. I couldn't wait to tell Stephen.

In my own way, I had thrown a royal fit when I didn't get what I wanted.  I cried and cried when we didn't make the move when initially planned.  I wonder, how many times has God been so exhausted because of me?

Instead of moving at the end of August, we had to delay it (due to replacement issues for my husband's job) to the end of September.  And then, when the time came, we had to delay it yet again to the end of October.

Why God? Why do You want us to be in 'limbo' all the time?? I groaned.  I wanted to get this move over with, so we could get on with our lives.

As I saw the girls' smiling, cheerful faces - the same faces I thought I'd never see again - I cried within.

Then the reality dawned on me.

If we had moved at the original date, I would have missed out on this special meeting.  I would have been happily setting up house in a totally new area, but I would have missed seeing M and N again! Even if it was for a very short time.  And, this just happened to be about 5 days before we left.

God not only admonished me, but He gave me the sweetest blessing I could ever have asked for.  Why is He so good to little ol' me?

Wait

Once again, I am reminded of this poem that I have had tucked away in my brain for the past fifteen years, at least.  There are so many things that the Lord has asked me to wait for... dreams that are sweet and precious to Him.  And yet, deep down, I know from experience that His way is best and His plan is far greater than anything I may imagine by myself.  But my faulty, sinful self just doesn't get it sometimes.  And so, once again, I feel like this poem was written by me.

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .

And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

“Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.

“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!

Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming Your Word.

“My future and all to which I relate

Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to wait?

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,

As my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting - for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me

When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love

When the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of My comfort late into the night,

The faith that I give when you walk without sight.

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask

From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.

And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

I Want What I Want, and I Want It Right Now

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 
In all thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."
Proverbs 3:5,6

The phrase "trust in the Lord" appears 19 times in the entire Bible.  "Trust in Him" appears 14 times.  The word "trust" itself appears 188 times.  Apparently, God knew we would need the reminder so often.

So many times - and I truly mean "so many" - we have dreams and ideas and wants and desires, but we forget to leave it all in the Lord's hands.  After all, we live and we breathe for His glory, not our own.  He Himself gave us those dreams and desires, so how does He want us to accomplish them?

My husband and I have been married for nearly 4-1/2 years and in that time, it seems we have always been on the run.  As if our lives are not settled.  We had a baby when we were married for just 10 months.  Then my husband got a great job that required him to move around a little bit.  We have lived in about 4 different hotel rooms over the space of six months.  And as if that wasn't crazy enough, our daughter had surgery while we were in transition.  But God was faithful, as He ever is.  We finally settled in Charleston, SC.  And after only a little over a year here, God is opening the doors for us to be moving back to North Carolina. 

I love the adventure that came when I married my Stephen.  I love the spontaneity that our lives afford us.  I really do.  But I am also a "home body."  I like the feeling of being 'settled' (at least a little bit) and setting up and beautifying our own home.  I have dreams of expanding our little family, getting back to my long-lost friend, Writing, having our own garden in the backyard, having a laundry room in our own home (and not at the apartment laundromat), teaching and introducing our girl to the country living we so love, maybe even keeping a few chickens and a goat.  Some days I get so overwhelmed, so selfish, that I just want to scream.

But we all know that is not mature.  That is not wise, or kind.  God has given us this life and we need to use it for His glory.  The Lord reminds me to seek out the good things that we have seen or done, when my life is in limbo.  He softly tells me that His will is better than mine.  And I know for a fact that He is right.  There have been so many areas in my life where I have seen Him work so eloquently.  So incredibly.  And in the end, the situation turns out perfectly.  Why would I want to intrude and mess things up?  I know His way is perfect.

"My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

It is far from easy, but it is magnificent to think that in my weakness, Christ's strength is made perfect.  In my weakness.  Me, who is nothing but a tiny spec in God's vast earth.  How amazing!

As we wait for the next phase of our lives to come to fruition, I am learning to trust fully in Him for everything I may need or want.  And we enjoy this life He has given us now, because if I know myself, I am going to miss it.

Once Upon A Time...

My husband and I are celebrating 4 years of marriage.  That's fourteen hundred sixty gloriously trying days that have only made us stronger and more in love with each other.

The man I thought might not exist, the best friend I thought I'd never have, the love I dared hope was maybe remotely possible, but not likely, is more than possible - he is mine, and I am his.  Each and every day exceeds the previous day.  We grow more in love, we learn more about each other, and best of all - we are springing up into the greatest Love ever known to man: God's love.

This life is not a fairy tale, even though it quite often feels like it.  I don't pretend that there are very bitter days.  Long nights when something is said (or not said) or something is done (or not done).  Then someone gets so hurt deep down inside where you can't see.  "Love" doesn't seem to exist during those moments.  Anger and resentment take hold.  What follows is sometimes hours of the "silent treatment" or hurtful words that neither of us meant to say.

The Bible says, "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath" (Ephesians 4:26), so we have always made it a point to never go to bed in such a state.  If that means staying up till the oddest hours of the morning, then so be it. Our relationship is that important to us.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Let me share with you how history was made. ;-)

 Let me take you back to the Summer of 2011.  I was beginning to wonder where in the world my husband-to-be was and if he even existed.  It was then that I began to be very lonely.  I was nannying part-time and also participating in my family's band, The Full Quiver, part-time as well.  But I was yearning for something - for a change of some type.  I felt restless.  I began to think about returning to India as a missionary again, and sought out friends of friends who were going back to live.  But, unlike the previous times I'd gone to India, nothing really fell into place.  So I waited.  I kept asking God why I wasn't married yet, or even met anyone who might fill that void in my heart - even the slightest bit.  The two or three guys we knew of in the community did not impress me and apparently, I didn't impress them either...

Through the encouragement of several books, I learned that God wanted me to just get busy and live life for Him.  So I decided to do just that.  I started by seeking out a full-time nanny job.  My ultimate goal was to train for some type of profession, whether it would be used here in the States or across the ocean in India.  So I decided to go with CNA (certified nurse's assistant).

By October, nothing had turned up quite yet.  I was still actively working with the family band, blogging/writing and working part-time.  At a bluegrass festival where we were playing, we met an elderly man who commended us for our music and bought a CD or two.  As we were talking, he asked if I had a boyfriend yet.  "No," I replied.  (These questions were nothing new...)  "That's okay," he answered matter-of-factedly.  "Some guy is going to come along and sweep you off your feet."  I smiled, but inwardly I wanted to scream.  Yeah right, I thought.  I'm almost 25 years old and it hasn't happened yet!

At that moment, God was probably having a good laugh at my expense.   A little over three weeks later (and one week after I had landed a full-time nanny job!), I sat in front of my computer staring in disbelief at an email from a young man wanting to "get to know" me.  (Later, we discovered that at approximately the exact same time I was talking to a pastor friend about being single and waiting on the Lord, Stephen was writing me that message.  Wow.)

This guy wasn't some random dude.  We had met him and his family 2-1/2 years previously at a GospelGrass festival in Calhan, Colorado.  During the four-day event, I took notice that his family was always pitching in to help wherever possible.  They were care-free and fun on stage and off (besides the fact that their music was so awesome!) - something I was learning to be at the time.  I remember him approaching me with one of his sisters to complement me on my singing.  He tells me now that when he first saw me, he remembers thinking that I looked cute and "mysterious."  But that's as far as it went... at least for the next two and a half years.

We emailed one another for about a month before he started calling me to chat once a week.  Our phone conversations (he in North Carolina and I in Texas) got longer and longer each time.  We talked about anything and everything under the sun, and then some.  The hours went by like minutes.  I had to pinch myself several times to make sure this wasn't a dream.  I mean, a guy who was actually pursuing me?  I never thought it'd happen.
 
Then there were the little nuggets of the Lord's sweet whispers.  As if He was saying, "Yes, my daughter, this is the one.  I chose him for you long, long ago."  Things like us texting one another at the *exact* moment in time.  Discovering we were thinking of the *exact* same thing to say at the *exact* same moment.  (And this continues to happen to this day!) 

Two months after he first wrote to me, we were ready to move forward with our friendship and call it what it really was: a courtship, a relationship!  But my thoughtful parents thought it too soon for that, so we waited.  A month.  Yes, we waited just a month (barely) and then my dad gave the okay.  We were "officially," "unofficially" courting. :-D  And we couldn't be more thrilled.

At four months, we said "I love you" for the first time.  At five months, he came to visit me and stay with my family for a week.  It was the first time in over two years we had seen each other in person.  Yet, we felt like we had known each other for ever.  At five and a half months, I went to visit him and his family.  At six months, we sealed the deal with a marriage license, a pastor, a backyard, about 40 wedding guests, and a kiss.


Our courtship wasn't a bed of roses, by any means.  In fact, it felt like just the opposite at times.  There were harsh words, sad misgivings, horrible misunderstandings, and plenty more to deal with.  It was probably one of the hardest things we've ever gone through.  But it made us stronger together.  All that mattered was that God was our King, and He was guiding us a certain way, and we went together.  Nothing else took precedence.        

            I stop to reflect on these last four years.  These "happy golden years," to quote Laura Ingalls Wilder.  I can't imagine living life without my Stephen.  He completes me like no other.  We are closer now than the moment we both said "I do."  We learn something new about each other every day.  We have our quirks.  We have a daughter.  It's crazy amazing.  The adventures never cease.  Life gets crazier and crazier.

We pray that we may glorify Him in all that we do and that He will continually be praised.

Potty-Trained!

Our 3-year-old turned three and not even two days passed when she decided to wear her new panties and go to the potty.  She has completely trained herself in about 8 days.  (Except for at night and nap times.)

I was shocked.

I mean, I have been training her off-and-on for about a year now.  We got her a little potty of her own, we even got her books about the subject.  But as she grew older, she also developed the skill to speak up about what she wanted.  And what she wanted was to put her diaper on and not even try using the potty.  She even wanted to change her own diaper!

I exasperated to my husband that our daughter was too smart not to use the potty, that she knew how to do it if she just put her mind to it!  He encouraged me to relax and wait.  "She'll just start using the potty one day, you'll see," he'd say.  "Just like she did with her pacifier - she gave it up suddenly one day."

Of course, I doubted him!  She was pulling the wool over his eyes, I thought.

But, after all was said and done, he was right.  She has quit using diapers altogether.  Sometimes, she doesn't even like putting on a diaper to go to sleep in.  But then I convince her that she can put on her panties just as soon as she gets up in the morning.  And she does.

I tell her over and over how excited I am for her to be such a big girl now, and how proud we are of her. :-) 

Do The Next Thing, Even When You Don't "Feel" Like It

Spanish Moss-covered trees tower over a picturesque swamp in South Carolina

I have had my fair share of heartaches.  Disappointments.  Let-downs.  That feeling of walking into a brick wall.  Whatever you want to call it, we've all been there done that.  So what?

This evening, as my baby girl played quietly by herself and my guy played his banjo, I decided to pull out my journal from the past year and skim over what our year was like.  Good gracious me.  It's a good thing I somehow found the time to journal about our lives and my feelings at the time, because I would never have believed it had someone told me.  Amidst the chaos of moving 4-1/2 hours south, relocating my husband's job, trying to get settled in our new home, caring for my family, trying out new churches, learning and applying healthy lifestyles, and the many changes that come with moving so far away from family (or anybody we even remotely were acquainted with), I think I grew up.

The pages of my rose-covered journal were filled with pain, loneliness and heartaches of the deepest kind this year.  At first glance, you would think that I was a miserable woman who wondered constantly, "What am I doing with my life?"  And, in all honesty, some days, I certainly felt like such a woman.

"I feel secluded, lost, blah, blah, blah," I wrote this past Summer. "I can not depend on anybody or anything because I will be miserable."

But, why would I be so miserable?  My marriage was one of the greatest gifts the Lord has ever bestowed upon me, and my husband is truly my best friend.  Poor guy didn't know how to comfort me sometimes.  And I can't get over the blessing of our little girl- my little joy walking around. :-)  Most days, these were the only friends I had.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  Family is supposed to be your closest friends.  But I was lonely and pained because I felt that we were all alone on an isolated island.  I felt that, even after the housecleaning, the caring for our daughter, the cooking, the laundry, etc, my days were growing to be very boring.  My husband worked unpredictable hours, and I would often miss him terribly.  And when I miss my guy, I want to crawl into bed, cuddle my baby, and do nothing with my time but watch a sappy Hallmark movie!

Day after day after day, I wondered what in the world we were doing with our lives and why did I feel this way when I had prayed and dreamed of becoming a wife and a mother so many times?  Why had the 'excitement' waned so much, now? I had everything in the world to be thankful for -- to be content with.  And as I read my journal entries, I found the problem.

I was too worried about so-and-so and what they might think.

Instead of creating a life full of beauty and simplicity and joy for my family, I was worrying myself sick about those I loved in distance places and what they thought of me and my life.  Instead of "looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith,"* sitting at His beloved feet, soaking up His Word to me each and every day, I was crumbling under the weight of anxiety and depression.

But although I'd love to wallow in my own self-pity and point the finger at others who may have caused it, I can't.  I brought it on myself.  And I didn't even know it.

I began opening my Bible each time I sat down for breakfast.  Something I had been in the habit of doing, but feeling down can make you feel like "throwing in the towel."  And even though I would pray and read His Word, the depression and anxiety did not magically disappear.  It did, however, improve greatly.  If I did nothing else for the day but care for and play with my little one, take care of my hard-working husband, pray and read sweet passages of Scripture, it was a good day.  Even if I didn't get to sweep and mop that day.  Or clean the bathrooms.  There would be time tomorrow for those things.

I still have bouts of depression and anxiety that come and go like waves.  But I have learned that instead of sitting curled up on the couch crying my eyes out, I just need to open myself up and lay down at my Lord's feet.  Give Him everything I am worried, anxious, sad, or depressed about.  Let Him pick up the pieces.  Let Him show me what to do.

Elisabeth Elliot loved this poem.  I often heard her recite it on her radio program years and years ago.  Her sweet voice reading these words came to me during those times of blah, of confusion.  And I was encouraged greatly:

From an old English parsonage down by the sea
There came in the twilight a message for me;
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, as it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the hours the quiet words ring,
Like a low inspiration: DO THE NEXT THING.

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, guidance, are given. Fear not tomorrows, Child of the King, Trust them with Jesus. DO THE NEXT THING.

Do it immediately; do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His hand
Who placed it before thee with earnest command,
Stayed on Omnipotence, safe ‘neath His wing,
Leave all resultings. DO THE NEXT THING.

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
(Working or suffering) be thy demeanor.
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance be thy psalm.
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing!
Then, as He beckons thee, DO THE NEXT THING.