Why Do I Care?

That's me.  The woman you see in the left-hand corner.  She looks very confident and sure of herself.  I mean, just a few years ago she never would have made such a face, much less shared it on social media with her friends and family.

But that's just what she did.

One day, she feels comfortable enough in her own skin to do things like that.  The next day may be completely different; she may even hate herself because she ate one piece of junk food.  She steps on the scale and lets the number determine her outlook on life.  She may start worrying about what so-and-so must have thought about her when she laughed at an awkward moment or said something stupid.  She wonders how she can be so old yet feel so little.

And then, she really starts to feel miserable.

She forgets - too easily - who she is.  Not who she is all on her own, but who she is with the God who took her and made her a new creation in Him.  She forgets what He has done for her, and why these things are so trivial in the end.

Because, it's not who we are today as much as it is who we are tomorrow.  How I 'feel' should never determine how I live my life.  Feelings are never stable.  They don't last forever.  They can easily be swayed.

The Bible says, "It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." (Psalm 118:8)  It is better to fully trust in the Lord for everything we may need or desire, than to have that trust in man who will sway with the wind.

My heart should be completely engrossed in the living God that I don't care too much about what I am wearing or how I talk, or what I eat and how I eat, or if I offend anybody.  (That is not to say that we shouldn't care at all, as Paul was saying in Romans 14:21.)

But we should be confident enough in the Lord that the worry and the wondering shouldn't consume us.... which is why I sometimes break away from social media altogether, because I don't want to cave to wondering why so-and-so did not 'like' my comment or comment on my post.

But, there is also the flip side.  We are warned not to become over confident, either:

"Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall." (1 Corinthians 10:12)

In all reality, worrying so much about what others must think of me, is actually very selfish.  I should be caring for others with the energy I have exerted in worry and carefulness.  What about the widows and orphans God tells us to care about?  What about the person next door you have never talked to but see looking lonely?  What about the many who have not heard the Good News of our Lord and Savior?? -What about them?

Finally -

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." (Philippians 4:6)

The most commonly quoted version of the verse above uses the word "anxious" in place of "careful."  But I think the word "careful" is much more meaningful.  All we have to do is merely not care much about anything, but instead pray with thanksgiving - basically, leave it in His lap and forget about it.

So, as I sit here in my yoga pants and oversized t-shirt I'm going to finish reading God's love letter to me, dump my thoughts and cares completely on Him, knowing that my confidence is in Him no matter what I do or what I say, and ask Him to lead me in the way everlasting.

Rush, Rush, LIVE

Yesterday afternoon, my sweet guy called me and said he'd be home in 15 minutes.  I was so excited that, for once, he'd be off of work at a decent hour instead of working late like he's used to.

But as soon as we hung up, I looked at the big pile of dishes I hadn't been able to finish and the fact that I had just gotten home only a few minutes ago from running around town in the rain with a 4 year old in tow.  (Did you know that buckling and unbuckling a car seat can add about 10 minutes to your shopping spree?)

Oh no, I thought, he's going to be home and I haven't finished everything yet!

The perfectionist in me reared it's ugly head and told me I should have done this -- I could have done that -- but I didn't.

Now, of course he can help me with housework (and he does!), but I like to do it myself and have it out of the way so that when he is home he can relax and we can enjoy his time off together- which is sort of limited anyway.

I looked down at my lunch - since that was overdue, too - and sighed.  I wanted him to come home, but if these things were undone now then they would be undone tomorrow, and then my perfect schedule would be all out of sync.

I spent the evening with a not-so-perfect attitude and begrudging the fact that our norm was thrown out of whack.  But when our "norm" has been eating supper without Daddy because he has to be out working late, I have pitied myself that we can't be a "normal" family where the Daddy gets home around 5p and we can all eat supper together as a family.

So... what gives?

My caring husband held me in his arms and asked what the matter was.  What was frustrating me?  How could he help?  And I told him that it was just one of those days where there is so much to do, yet so little time to do it.  Then, in an effort to help ease my troubled mind, the hard working, work-exhausted guy put aside everything else and helped me hand wash dishes.

The world would tell me just to put him to work - he can handle it.  Use him as another pair of hands to get the work done.  And besides, I've been busy, too.  Despite popular belief, housewives don't just twiddle their thumbs every day, all day.  It's not like I'm not exhausted either.

But I don't want to put him to work.  I don't want him to have extra 'chores' he has to do before he can actually relax for the evening before he has to get up the next morning and do it all over again.

When he pulls into our driveway in the evenings, I hope a sense of calm comes over him and he thinks of our home as a haven.  A haven from the non-stop busyness of the world.  A haven from the horrible traffic he sits in day in and day out, a haven from the noise, the pollution, the crazy.  Certainly not come home and find a wife who's frazzled just because he happened to get off early today.

Besides, work is work.  Housework never seems to get "done."  Dishes will still need to be washed.  Clothes will still need to be hung up.  Things will still need to be put away.  Sticky floors will still need to be mopped.  But we will grow old.  Our daughter will not be 4 years old forever.  Our family will probably change over time.  And that's both exciting and kind of scary.  Because that just means that our lives will just continue to get crazier, and more hectic, and busier.  But it will also mean that dreams are coming true.  That we will be living a lovely life - one filled with love, peace, joy and fulfillment.  One that we know is blessed of the Lord.

Of course, there is always time for work.  But I don't want it to become something that takes over our lives.  A tidy home is so much more enjoyable, I'll be the first to agree, but it doesn't have to dictate how we live.  I don't want to forget how to be spontaneous.  How to watch the sunset with my two loves while those dirty dishes continue to be dirty.  How to teach my girl to watch the birds build their nests while the table has so much stuff on it.  How to take a day trip to a new place while the laundry can't put itself away.

Because, I want to live life.

When the Valley is Rough

I know I am fearfully overdue for another blog update... and for that, I am so sorry.  Life has just been crazy, and the crazy never stops.  I'm sure many of you know how that is! ;-)

It's hard to keep looking up sometimes, when everything around you seems to be crumbling.  First my husband had some health scares last Summer, and when we thought all of it was behind us, things still keep happening and he is put on other medications to try and help it.  We have completely changed our lifestyle, our eating habits, and he has dropped nearly 40 pounds in 11 months.  (So glad about that!)  And everything is definitely not behind us, yet.  Symptoms progress, then go away, and still others newly develop.

It's aggravating, to say the least.  And on top of everything, I suddenly realized one day a few weeks ago that maybe all of this was my fault.

You see, about a year ago I got more serious about my health and wanted my husband to join me in my endeavor to better overall health and fitness.  He seemed to be gaining weight more and more, and although he was happy and healthy (on the outside), I knew that it was only a matter of time before he could have a serious health problem.  His eating habits were not the best, he didn't exercise hardly at all, and he would often only get about 4 hours of sleep each night.

It was then that I poured out my heart to the Lord, and asked Him to do something to get my guy's attention.  I honestly didn't know what I was asking.  And when everything hit the fan over the Summer, I still had no idea what I'd done.  It wasn't until just about a month ago that I remembered praying for God to somehow get his health on a better track.

(NOTE:  I do not always pray this way, and I don't advocate praying for something bad to happen to those you love in order for them to 'wake up', but sometimes, God can use the earnest prayers of His beloved children to do His will.)

           
                  Secondly, something that has strongly been on our hearts this past year (or more), is that we have not been able to have more children.  Years ago, when I was young and dreaming of one day becoming a wife and mother, it never crossed my mind that I might not be able to have children later on.  Yes, we have had one, so that means we aren't necessarily suffering with infertility, right?  Wrong.  I have learned that I must never assume that some people just don't want children.  You never know what is going on with them.

I have cried, and I have argued with the Lord.  I have seen many of my friends continue to grow their families, and as I send them my "congratulations" I groan within and ask God why.  Why give me one when I wanted more?  Why allow me to get older and not have other children to care for?

But it is in these moments that the Lord softly reminds me that His ways are higher.  Didn't we give ourselves to the Lord when we got married and said that however many children He wanted us to have, would be fine with us?  What if His will was to give us just one?  What if trusting Him in everything meant trusting Him in fertility as well?  -And trusting Him with whatever He thought we could handle?

Perhaps, if He had given us more children by now, I would have been so engrossed in my family that I would have forgotten He Who lives in my heart.  Perhaps He needed to get my attention, somehow, someway, so that I might lean all the more onto Him - and not on those poor souls around me who might not have the strength or support that I need almost every moment of every day.  Perhaps, He wants me to fall in love more and more with Him, and not put my heart into those things I long for and desire.

But I do believe I am on the road to recovery.  I have been seeing a midwife and we are working through what the problem might be.  Do I believe with all my heart that God will allow us to be parents again?  No, although I sincerely hope so, I know that it could still be His perfect will that we parent only one child.  Or perhaps later adopt, or foster.

And it would be wrong of me to totally forget the child that God has already blessed us with.  She is a beacon of light in this dark world, she is smart, lovely, funny, beautiful and such a ray of sunshine.  (It's amazing to see her grow up so much!)  God wanted Stephen and I to be her parents, and to squander that job - that wonderful responsibility - just to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own self-pity, would be a sin.  I strive to delight in the child He has blessed me with, when I know there are others who cannot even have one.

No, life is not "fair" and the things my family and I are going through may not amount to much compared to what you may be going through.  But as my favorite quote says, let us not forget to live when our longings have so entangled us.

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