I know I am fearfully overdue for another blog update... and for that, I am so sorry. Life has just been crazy, and the crazy never stops. I'm sure many of you know how that is! ;-)
It's hard to keep looking up sometimes, when everything around you seems to be crumbling. First my husband had some health scares last Summer, and when we thought all of it was behind us, things still keep happening and he is put on other medications to try and help it. We have completely changed our lifestyle, our eating habits, and he has dropped nearly 40 pounds in 11 months. (So glad about that!) And everything is definitely not behind us, yet. Symptoms progress, then go away, and still others newly develop.
It's aggravating, to say the least. And on top of everything, I suddenly realized one day a few weeks ago that maybe all of this was my fault.
You see, about a year ago I got more serious about my health and wanted my husband to join me in my endeavor to better overall health and fitness. He seemed to be gaining weight more and more, and although he was happy and healthy (on the outside), I knew that it was only a matter of time before he could have a serious health problem. His eating habits were not the best, he didn't exercise hardly at all, and he would often only get about 4 hours of sleep each night.
It was then that I poured out my heart to the Lord, and asked Him to do something to get my guy's attention. I honestly didn't know what I was asking. And when everything hit the fan over the Summer, I still had no idea what I'd done. It wasn't until just about a month ago that I remembered praying for God to somehow get his health on a better track.
(NOTE: I do not always pray this way, and I don't advocate praying for something bad to happen to those you love in order for them to 'wake up', but sometimes, God can use the earnest prayers of His beloved children to do His will.)
Secondly, something that has strongly been on our hearts this past year (or more), is that we have not been able to have more children. Years ago, when I was young and dreaming of one day becoming a wife and mother, it never crossed my mind that I might not be able to have children later on. Yes, we have had one, so that means we aren't necessarily suffering with infertility, right? Wrong. I have learned that I must never assume that some people just don't want children. You never know what is going on with them.
I have cried, and I have argued with the Lord. I have seen many of my friends continue to grow their families, and as I send them my "congratulations" I groan within and ask God why. Why give me one when I wanted more? Why allow me to get older and not have other children to care for?
But it is in these moments that the Lord softly reminds me that His ways are higher. Didn't we give ourselves to the Lord when we got married and said that however many children He wanted us to have, would be fine with us? What if His will was to give us just one? What if trusting Him in everything meant trusting Him in fertility as well? -And trusting Him with whatever He thought we could handle?
Perhaps, if He had given us more children by now, I would have been so engrossed in my family that I would have forgotten He Who lives in my heart. Perhaps He needed to get my attention, somehow, someway, so that I might lean all the more onto Him - and not on those poor souls around me who might not have the strength or support that I need almost every moment of every day. Perhaps, He wants me to fall in love more and more with Him, and not put my heart into those things I long for and desire.
But I do believe I am on the road to recovery. I have been seeing a midwife and we are working through what the problem might be. Do I believe with all my heart that God will allow us to be parents again? No, although I sincerely hope so, I know that it could still be His perfect will that we parent only one child. Or perhaps later adopt, or foster.
And it would be wrong of me to totally forget the child that God has already blessed us with. She is a beacon of light in this dark world, she is smart, lovely, funny, beautiful and such a ray of sunshine. (It's amazing to see her grow up so much!) God wanted Stephen and I to be her parents, and to squander that job - that wonderful responsibility - just to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own self-pity, would be a sin. I strive to delight in the child He has blessed me with, when I know there are others who cannot even have one.
No, life is not "fair" and the things my family and I are going through may not amount to much compared to what you may be going through. But as my favorite quote says, let us not forget to live when our longings have so entangled us.
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