Turning the Page

Life has turned another page for me.  I have begun to see things in a totally different light than I was used to.  It started several months ago and has been nothing but a joy ride ever since.

I am not my own.

Instead of comparing myself and my body to others, I am learning that it isn't about what I or anybody else looks like on the outside; it's what is on the inside that is truly very important.

Some of you may be surprised at what you're about to read (that is, if you continue to read on) but it's my life story and it's what God has miraculously done in my life.  I have been living a life that felt like an empty shell.  A casing around what I really yearned for: fulfillment, love, and admiration.

Sure, I grew up in a Christian home with Christian values.  I really thought I received Christ as my personal Savior when I was just 4 years old.  I remember the time and the place very well.  But it never really 'clicked' with me, I guess.  I thought that if I just said enough repentance prayers and did my best to be 'good,' God might let me into heaven when I died.  In a way, I was positively sure that I would go to heaven, but on the other hand, I wasn't.  I was fearful of losing my salvation, if I really was saved.

But you know what?  We cannot possibly do anything good to attain salvation... God thinks of our righteousness as filthy rags*!  How far will that get me?

As a child, I was constantly poked fun about my weight problem.  We didn't know it at the time, but our unhealthy eating caused me to go through puberty at a much earlier age than normal.  I became obese, but thought that it was a hereditary problem.  Throughout my teen years and into adulthood, I thought that true happiness lay in a skinny body and therefore pleasing those who had talked down to me.  So, I began dieting and exercising.

I became obsessed with losing weight.

Then I began learning about the very great danger of becoming obsessed with our bodies.  God was not pleased in the least if I cared more about my body and my looks than I did about serving and loving Him.  But I didn't think so.  I decided that I certainly wasn't obsessed because we are to take care of the temples (bodies) God has given us,* right?

Wrong.

Little did I know that I was obsessed... I was too blinded by Satan's lies to realize it.  If my family commented about certain clothing that just 'didn't look right' on me, I became very defensive and thought that it didn't look good because I needed to lose weight.  I also believed the lie that I couldn't get married because guys thought I was too ugly and fat.

Because of these lies, I was afraid of forming relationships with friends -- afraid of just saying 'hi' to anybody.  I really believed that nobody liked me, so I might as well be locked up in a closet.  But I was so good at hiding my inner self.  I was ashamed of myself.

Then about six months ago, I began to evaluate these lies I had lived with most of my teen and adult years.  I began to seek the Truth from God Himself.  The more I studied, the more I realized that God doesn't care two sticks about how skinny or fat I am!  Wow!  What a great truth!

And to top it all off, Christ died for my sins.  He gave Himself for me.  Me, who felt ugly and depressed and dead inside.

That was reason enough to break out of my shell and shout for joy.  Literally.

No, the lies and temptations have not vanished.  I am still tempted to really restrict myself and lose a ton of weight.  I'm still tempted to sink back into my old depression and become a recluse, but it's not about me any more.  Sure, I make sure that I take care of my body and eat with the mindset that I eat for His glory and not my own, but I am very careful about dieting and exercising.  It is so very easy to slip back into the pack of lies that say, "You really need to lose weight.  Look at so-and-so; they are respected more than you because they are not overweight."

It is then that I must make a conscious effort, stop and pray, "Lord, what is Your truth?  I am Your handmaiden.  Do with me as You will."

It is amazing how powerful the mere act of calling on the Name of Jesus is!

I have Someone to live for because He lives for me.  I have Someone to continually serve, because He continually serves me.  I have Someone to share with others, because He laid down His life for me.

May He continue to mold me and make me after His will.  You, too!

*Isaiah 64:6
*1 Corinthians 3:16